Download Audio: How to Last Longer During Sex
One of the most common sexual concerns men bring to me is: “How do I last longer?”
Usually what they mean is: “How do I stop ejaculating sooner than I’d like?”
And often underneath that question is anxiety - fear of disappointing a partner, fear of “failing”, fear that something is wrong.
But before we dive into techniques and strategies, let me reassure you of something important: There is nothing wrong with you.
Most men who ejaculate quickly are not sexually broken. They are simply:
The good news is that these things can change.
Lasting Longer Is About Regulation, Not Suppression
Many men approach ejaculation as though they need to somehow fight against their bodies. They tighten up. Force control. Panic. Try to suppress sensation. But sexuality doesn’t work well under pressure.
The goal is not to become numb or disconnected from pleasure. The goal is to become more connected:
This is about regulation, not suppression.
Learn to “Swim in the Pleasure”
One of the most important skills men can develop is learning to stay relaxed within high pleasure.
Most men either:
Instead, I encourage men to learn to “swim in the pleasure.”
Imagine your arousal on a scale from 1–10.
At 10, ejaculation is inevitable. The sweet spot is usually around: 7–8 out of 10. That’s where you feel:
without tipping over the edge too quickly.
Learning to stay in this zone is one of the keys to lasting longer.
Slow Down
One of the biggest reasons men ejaculate quickly is simply: they are going too fast.
Porn, movies and performance culture often teach men that sex should involve:
But in reality, no man can sustain highly stimulating “hard shagging” for very long. It’s simply too stimulating for the nervous system.
Good lovers vary the pace. They:
Interestingly, slower pacing is often more pleasurable for both partners.
For example:
Great sex is rarely rushed.
Use Pauses as Part of the Lovemaking
Many men panic the moment they feel themselves getting close to orgasm. Instead, learn to recognise your rising arousal earlier and gently reset before you hit the point of no return.
This might involve:
And importantly: don’t make the pause awkward. Use it erotically.
Smile. Kiss. Look into each other’s eyes. Stroke each other. Breathe together.
This transforms the “pause” from a failure into part of the lovemaking itself.
Breathe
Breath is one of the most powerful tools for regulating arousal.
When men become highly stimulated, they often:
This pushes the nervous system further toward overload.
Instead:
Many men find it helpful to imagine breathing the pleasurable energy through the whole body rather than letting it build narrowly at the tip of the penis.
Work With Your Pelvic Floor
Your pelvic floor muscles play an important role in arousal and ejaculation.
Rather than clenching hard in panic, learn to become aware of these muscles and work with them more subtly.
Gentle awareness and regulation of the pelvic floor can help men feel:
Stay Embodied
One of the most important things for lasting longer is: stay in your body.
Many men become trapped in their heads during sex:
But sexuality works best when you are present. Feel:
Stay connected to the whole experience rather than fixating only on ejaculation.
Your Penis Is Your Partner, Not Your Enemy
Many men develop an adversarial relationship with their penis.
They feel:
One client once described his penis as: “a useless piece of meat.”
But your penis is not your enemy. It’s your partner. You and your penis are a team.
The more connected you become with your body and sexuality, the less your penis feels like an out-of-control creature acting independently from you.
One playful practice I sometimes suggest is to “take your penis for a walk.”
As absurd as it sounds, simply becoming more aware of your penis throughout life helps build connection and embodiment.
When you feel alive, relaxed, joyful, sensual and present in life generally, your sexuality becomes more integrated too.
Lasting longer starts outside the bedroom.
Solo Cultivation
One of the best ways to develop sexual awareness is through mindful masturbation, or what the ancient Taoists called: solo cultivation.
Rather than rushing toward orgasm, solo cultivation involves:
This helps men become:
Like any skill, it improves with practice.
And If You Ejaculate Too Quickly?
Then what?
You haven’t failed.
One of the worst things couples can do is treat ejaculation as “the end.”
If your partner wants to continue:
Great lovers are not defined by how long they can thrust. They are defined by:
Real Sex Is Not a Performance
Ultimately, learning to last longer is not about becoming a machine.
It’s about learning how to:
When men stop treating sex like a performance test and start experiencing it as an embodied relational experience, things often change naturally.
And paradoxically, the less pressure there is around “lasting,” the longer lovemaking tends to last anyway.
Explore Jacqueline’s online courses and choose the pathway that speaks to where you are now.
For Couples
Reconnect, communicate more openly and rediscover intimacy as a source of joy, playfulness and erotic aliveness.
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For Men
Cultivate greater confidence, presence and pleasure while transforming the way you approach sex, intimacy and connection.
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For Women
Reconnect with your sensuality, confidence and pleasure, and embrace the fullness of who you are as a sexual being.
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Jacqueline's regular column on Substack
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